Mission Not Impossible: Finding The One

 

I think she got it right! FINALLY! Permission not to give a shit and get on with it…

In my new venture of not having a conventional 9 to 5 job, I have found myself recently being okay with watching The View. I am not sure if it was a re-run considering it was the week leading up to Christmas but in this particular episode, Whoopi Goldberg gave a shout out and discussed her new book titled, “If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” Run!” In speaking for myself, I can say that I am so over the relationship discussions however I am not over Whoopi Goldberg’s straightforward no nonsense approach to dating and relationships. Similar to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, she is pretty straight from the hip and dagger clear in her explanations, which I can appreciate. I think I am pretty no nonsense (when I am not occasionally letting sh_t drag on just to see how it goes because I second guess being too harsh) and instinctive yet more settle and less openly opinionated in comparison. I would like to be a little more brash and sassy but I often overthink and be the politically correct girl rather than say exactly what I think. Which has it’s pros and cons…

While watching and listening to Whoopi describe her book and the support of it from Raven-Symone, I immediately found myself buying it on the Books app on my iPad, wasting no time, I read it all and finished it while curled up at home that following rainy day in So. Cal, both being oddities. One sentence I really love is, how she discusses not worrying about finding The One, not having a relationship for relationship sake, completing yourself, following your passions, living, loving and falling in love with yourself AND your life with or without The One. Not that I haven’t heard it before and I believe it. However the Whoopi perspective gives, in my opinion, a well deserved perspective to not care if The One comes along or not and not to live in a state of false expectation, prepping and waiting for The One.

Life is not a love song nor the beginning of an end to a romantic movie… Whoopi discusses  in Chapter Two, “What a Difference a Day Makes,” by Dinah Washington. So she meets this guy, and in twenty-four hours her whole life turns around from misery to bliss: I can only say, “Good luck, sistah.”

This quote makes me giggle every time I read it! She believes that you can do you while continuing to date, spend time with the opposite sex and take care of your needs when needed but just do not do it for the sake of filling a void and dealing with an idiot with habits you cannot stand just to have someone, anyone, with you in the meantime. This resonates with me. I am not one to hang on to someone to fill a void as I personally get too irritated and impatient with people not to mention it shows up physically and sometimes mentally if I do let it run beyond it’s shelf life. However the movies, songs, television and general population make me feel as if a relationship is the final key to my existence and maybe I should just hang in there and keep hanging and all will be okay in my world but really my world is okay. No guy that I have been with during my single-dom nor during my marriage for that matter, has been the epitome of my existence. If anything they often add more work and confusion, good and bad. Maybe because of all the expectation placed on both the man and woman in any potential relationship. Even if I do find ‘him’ that does not mean he is The One forever. Amen, as I have felt that way for quite some time, pressure removed!

“We push people in a desperate fashion to find someone, because everything we see, feel and read oftentimes is about someone finding that perfect person. So you’re looking and looking. You see somebody who looks halfway decent, and out of desperation you decide he or she is the one–as if there is only ‘one’ out there for each of us (which is a whole other subject). We decide that this halfway-decent person is “the one” and try to make the square peg fit into the round hole, which always ends badly. Now don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of great couples out there who found a way to do it, to make it last a lifetime, you know, and god bless them…. It can happen. It can work, but you don’t know the compromises each of these people had to make in order to stay together. To them, it was clearly important to accept those compromises to maintain the relationship, because it was their priority.”

My only concern is she (Whoopi) has a kid, has grandkids and a great grandkid so she is fulfilled family wise. Does that allow her to be more fulfilled then the single woman who does not have those things? I was previously married but no kids. Is that the difference that makes it easier for her to say what she says, think what she thinks and feel how she feels? Would she be giving the same advice and thoughts if she didn’t have a full on family to fill her life? Possibly but maybe not. Shonda Rimes (who has three kids) said the same thing in an interview with Oprah, she does not want a man, she is open to and enjoys dating but does not want a man in her home on a regular basis. Oprah as we know has been in a longterm committed relationship with Steadman but also never married. Is it a black woman thing? Lord knows although I got love for them, these black men are a handful! Hehe! I have friends with kids that are still chasing the dream of finding The One so maybe it’s all relative. A maturity that comes in growing and learning who you are and only then knowing what you really want and need without thoughts of judgement, without wavering and without worrying about what everyone else is or is not doing.

My one vulnerability…in deciding to quit my career in government healthcare and start over from the bottom to experiment in a freelance life working toward fashion, styling and makeup artistry, I made the choice to no longer make the six figures (for now). This made and still makes me wonder if that is an issue in relation to a man coming into my life. Then again how is it an issue when they didn’t act any better in my life when I did make the six figures?  Maybe the money in and of itself is not their REAL issue, at least not in relation to me and not in the first 3-6 months, the timeframe that they usually drift off for whatever reason and most of the time I do not know why because they just begin to act weird or inconsiderate without explanation, so either they disappear or I do. Like Miranda once said in an episode of  Sex In The City, “I like to believe they died.” Haha! Morbid but it works. Bye Felicia! Anyway, nonetheless I must be secure in the fact that as long as I hold my own, my personal matters are none of their business unless I and he, therefore we, decide to be committed and/or put a ring on it, and then will we talk about it. Ultimately, my worrying if my future man has an issue with my starting over is no reason to not go for what I intuitively want for my life in the present. I am still working on being ok with this which is even more of a reason not to worry myself about The One, I have work to do! If he is indeed The One, he will stick and maybe not forever but at least a good long while and that’s okay! Right? Right! Thanks Whoopi!

Whoopi says in Chapter Three, ” My point is when you are looking for a partner, having someone in your life because they can do stuff for you, or because they will take care of you financially, is not a good enough reason. All the things on your checklist of what you want him to be –you’d better equal them. My question to you: Are you bringing it the way you want him to bring it?” In Chapter Four she goes on to state, ” Men: quit looking for your mother. Learn to do stuff on your own. Go to work, and when you come home, help your wife (or husband) with the kids and running the household. Listen to her and appreciate all she does. Don’t just pick up the remote and ignore her. And sometimes size does matter.”

Maybe falling in love with my life really is the real prize and that is an inside job. Nothing else has ever come before that love. I am The One.

I know this is not the typical fashion or beauty post of late but I do love exploring life issues because living an awesome life adds to our style and swag! I think it is a great subject to dig into as we all can relate, while it also calls us to clarify relationship intentions with ourself and/or our significant other in my first post of 2016. I have good vibes about this year! #2016

Live life in style! XO, Lysandra

 

Have you read Whoopi Goldberg’s book? If so what did you think? If you have or have not, can you identify? What is your perspective, if any, on living a life you are in love with while also being open to the possibilities and realities of a committed relationship that adds value to your life and vice versa? Please share by posting your comments below and if you like what I have to say please follow my blog by adding your email to the right of this post. Gratis!